Category Archive

One of our female members, who shall remain nameless, took
a vacation to France some years ago with one of her girl-
friends.

Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good
trip. The wife asked, “Would you like me to bring something
back for you?”

The husband laughed and says, “How about a French girl!”

Our lady kept quiet, didn’t respond and went into the
terminal.

Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and
asked, “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Really great, I loved Paris.”

“And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?”

“What I asked for….the French girl?”

“Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we’ll have to wait
nine months to see if it’s a girl.”

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* Not From Concentrate; crude art, sublime humor.

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*Get into The Devil’s Panties! You won’t regret it.

~~

“It’s the tragedy of the world that no one knows what he
doesn’t know — and the less a man knows, the more sure he
is that he knows everything.” –Joyce Cary

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*Betapwned is good, not-so-clean fun. Go check it out now!

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*Check out BetaPwned for more laughs

~~~~~

Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine;
Tropisms make the ivy twine;
Rayleigh scattering makes skies so blue;
Testicular hormones is why I love you.

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*Check out Punch An’ Pie for more snarky fun

~~~~~~~~~

A young man asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts
are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three
kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like
melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice
but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, see them and they make you cry.”

~~~~~~

A young woman asks her mother, “Mom, how many kind of penises
are there?”

The mother, surprised, answers, “Well, daughter, a man goes
through three phases. In a man’s twenties, a man’s penis is
like an oak, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only.”

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Sinfest! It’s sacrilegiously good.

I walked into my sister’s kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack.

“Where’s your mother?” I asked.

“She said she was going to have a shower. Just a minute, I’ll see.”

Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.

An sharp yell came from above.

Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, “Yep, she’s in the shower.”

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Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the
groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom
looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the
wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a
healthy and vivacious young woman.

But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride
come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and pain-
fully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front
desk.

The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, “What
happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an
alligator.”

“My God,” said the bride. “He told me that he had been saving
up for 75 years…. I thought he meant his money!”

*Comic shamelessly stolen from Nodwick

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A couple just got married and on the night of their honey-
moon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband,
“Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.”

The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s that possible?
You’ve been married three times before.”

The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist
and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband
was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.

“Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he
wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”

* Check out Sinfest for more laughs

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I had forgotten to get my estrogen patch prescription re-
filled, and soon the symptoms of menopause–hot flashes,
forgetfulness and irritability returned.

At the drugstore, I found myself telling the pharmacist all
about my problems. After listening patiently, he asked, “So,
how many people asked you to get this refilled?

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Another good idea is to go check out ‘Not From Concentrate‘ for more comics.

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” I joked.

“It would go out,” he replied very matter-of-factly.

“Really?” I asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a lack
of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?”

“No,” my co-worker continued. “The force from the explosion would blow out the match.”
~~

Felix was playing golf with our town’s fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned, “Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out.”

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Felix replied in astonishment.”People actually call you to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?”

“Well,” said the chief, “the first thing I ask is, ‘Is it on fire?’”

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“The next great civilization to arise was Ancient Greece,
which came up with an exciting new governing concept
called “democracy,” from the Greek words dem, meaning
“everybody gets to vote,” and ocracy, meaning “except, of
course women, slaves and poor people.” -Dave Barry

“The government announced that some voters will be allowed
to vote online. That’s going to be a tough choice: democracy
or porn…democracy or porn.” -Craig Ferguson

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Go visit Sinfest for more laughs.

A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day
discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy said, “Well, we have the
Parthenon.”

Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greek retorted, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.”

The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, “But we built the Roman
Empire.”

And so on and so on, until the Greek came up with what he thought
would end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he said,
“We Greeks invented sex!”

The Italian replied, “That is true, but it was the Italians who
introduced it to women.”

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~~~~~

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

“What are you so happy about?” asks the barman.
“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies the ugly man. “You know I live by
the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed
a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course,
went and cut her free and took her back to my place.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made
love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top,
sometimes her on top, every position I could get her into!”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed the barman. “You lucky bastard, was she
pretty?”

“Dunno. Never found her head.”

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The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with
picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple
and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.

One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look
it over. He hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women
aware of his presence.

At once, they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you
leave.”

The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young
ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding up the bucket, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

This week’s Funny is dedicated to Circe and her faux marble floors:

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Dressed in Black Comics are not for the fainthearted. Go check ‘em out.

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Inspiring, isn’t it? Go check out Sinfest and The Devil’s Panties for more funny stuff.

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Check out The Devils Panties. It’s not Satanic porn, I promise.

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Y’know, that’s a little too true for comfort. This bit of wisdom brought to you by Home on The Strange.

Chopping Block celebrates Choptoberfest all month long. Go check ‘em out.

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Funny comics unabashedly stolen from Home On The Strange. Go check ‘em out!

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If you like a heaping helping of geekiness with your comedy (like I do), check out Dueling Analogs.

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Check out Treading Ground. It’s hilarious and definitely not politically correct.

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Looking For Group is one of the funniest comics out there. Go read it.