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One of our female members, who shall remain nameless, took
a vacation to France some years ago with one of her girl-
friends.
Her husband drove her to the airport and wished her a good
trip. The wife asked, “Would you like me to bring something
back for you?”
The husband laughed and says, “How about a French girl!”
Our lady kept quiet, didn’t respond and went into the
terminal.
Two weeks later her husband picked her up at the airport and
asked, “So, honey, how was the trip?”
“Really great, I loved Paris.”
“And, what happened to my present?”
“Which present?”
“What I asked for….the French girl?”
“Oh, that? Well, I did what I could, now we’ll have to wait
nine months to see if it’s a girl.”
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and
finds a stranger on top of his wife.
He says, “What the hell are you two doing?”
His wife turns to the stranger and says, “I told you he
was stupid.”
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Have you heard about the Hooters application process?
They hand the girls a bra and say, “Fill this out.”
~~~~
Computers let you make more mistakes faster than any other
invention in human history, with the possible exceptions of
handguns and tequila.
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* Not From Concentrate; crude art, sublime humor.
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*Get into The Devil’s Panties! You won’t regret it.
~~
“It’s the tragedy of the world that no one knows what he
doesn’t know — and the less a man knows, the more sure he
is that he knows everything.” –Joyce Cary
A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the
register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he
asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up
to the register.
She asked, “What size condoms?”
The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to
unzip his pants. He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called
over the intercom, “One box of large condoms, Register 5.”
A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what
he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of
sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was
his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed
some condoms.
She asked him what size and he said he didn’t know. She
asked him to unzip his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the
intercom and said… “Cleanup, Register 5.”
~~~~~
The government announced today that it is changing its
emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the
government’s political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys
the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives
you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.
It just doesn’t get more accurate than that!
Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
~~~
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one en-
gaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks
after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how
best to spice up their sex lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by
engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, “Last
Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s
office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people
had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather
bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so
aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right
then and there!”
The engaged woman giggled and said, “That’s pretty much my
story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me
waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose
and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only
screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!
The married woman put her glass down and said, “I did a lot
of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over
at Grandma’s. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put
on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice,
a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got
home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down
and yelled, ‘Hey, Batman, what’s for dinner?’”
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*Betapwned is good, not-so-clean fun. Go check it out now!
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*Check out BetaPwned for more laughs
~~~~~
Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine;
Tropisms make the ivy twine;
Rayleigh scattering makes skies so blue;
Testicular hormones is why I love you.
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*Check out Punch An’ Pie for more snarky fun
~~~~~~~~~
A young man asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of breasts
are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three
kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like
melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice
but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, see them and they make you cry.”
~~~~~~
A young woman asks her mother, “Mom, how many kind of penises
are there?”
The mother, surprised, answers, “Well, daughter, a man goes
through three phases. In a man’s twenties, a man’s penis is
like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but
reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only.”
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Sinfest! It’s sacrilegiously good.
I walked into my sister’s kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack.
“Where’s your mother?” I asked.
“She said she was going to have a shower. Just a minute, I’ll see.”
Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.
An sharp yell came from above.
Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, “Yep, she’s in the shower.”
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*Thanks to Not From Concentrate for the comic
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Everyone in the hotel was talking about the wedding where the
groom was 95 years old and the bride was only 23. The groom
looked pretty feeble, and some of the guests thought that the
wedding night could kill the old man, because his bride was a
healthy and vivacious young woman.
But the next morning, everyone was surprised to see the bride
come down the main stairway slowly, step by step, and pain-
fully bold-legged. She finally managed to hobble to the front
desk.
The clerk looked very concerned, and he asked the bride, “What
happened to you? You look like you just got done wrestling an
alligator.”
“My God,” said the bride. “He told me that he had been saving
up for 75 years…. I thought he meant his money!”
*Comic shamelessly stolen from Nodwick
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A couple just got married and on the night of their honey-
moon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband,
“Please be gentile, I’m still a virgin.”
The husband being shocked, replied, “How’s that possible?
You’ve been married three times before.”
The wife responds, “Well, my first husband was a gynecologist
and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband
was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it.
“Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he
wanted to do was…oh, do I miss him!”
* Check out Sinfest for more laughs
I had forgotten to get my estrogen patch prescription re-
filled, and soon the symptoms of menopause–hot flashes,
forgetfulness and irritability returned.
At the drugstore, I found myself telling the pharmacist all
about my problems. After listening patiently, he asked, “So,
how many people asked you to get this refilled?
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I had forgotten to get my estrogen patch prescription re-
filled, and soon the symptoms of menopause–hot flashes,
forgetfulness and irritability returned.
At the drugstore, I found myself telling the pharmacist all
about my problems. After listening patiently, he asked, “So,
how many people asked you to get this refilled?
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Another good idea is to go check out ‘Not From Concentrate‘ for more comics.
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the underground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
“What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?” I joked.
“It would go out,” he replied very matter-of-factly.
“Really?” I asked, surprised to hear that. “Is there a lack
of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?”
“No,” my co-worker continued. “The force from the explosion would blow out the match.”
~~
Felix was playing golf with our town’s fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned, “Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out.”
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Felix replied in astonishment.”People actually call you to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?”
“Well,” said the chief, “the first thing I ask is, ‘Is it on fire?’”
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“The next great civilization to arise was Ancient Greece,
which came up with an exciting new governing concept
called “democracy,” from the Greek words dem, meaning
“everybody gets to vote,” and ocracy, meaning “except, of
course women, slaves and poor people.” -Dave Barry
“The government announced that some voters will be allowed
to vote online. That’s going to be a tough choice: democracy
or porn…democracy or porn.” -Craig Ferguson
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Go visit Sinfest for more laughs.
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During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says
to her students, “If you were courting a well educated young
girl from a prominent family, and during a dinner for two
you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”
Mike replies, “Wait a minute, I’m going to take a piss.”
The teacher says, “That would be very rude and improper on
your part.”
Johnny replied, “Sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I’ll
be back in a minute.”
The teacher says, “That’s much better but to mention the word
‘toilet’ during a meal, is unpleasant.”
So Charlie says, “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I
have to go shake hands with a personal friend whom I hope to
be able to introduce you to after dinner.”
“If you ask me, this country could do with a little less
motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem
highly motivated to me. Serial killers, stock swindlers,
drug dealers, Christian Republicans. I’m not sure that
motivation is always a good thing. You show me a lazy prick
lying in bed all day watching TV, and I’ll show you a guy
who’s not causing any trouble.” -George Carlin
~~~
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it
will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never
yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your
stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your
money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it
free….you either married it or gave birth to it.
Last night I was feeling pretty damned bored. I was in one of those moods where my usual entertainments felt very ‘been there/done that’. Since I can’t afford (and/or have sworn off of) any unusual entertainments at the moment, I turned in desperation to the television (Gaspers!). Of course, the few programs on that I liked were all repeats I’d seen at least a half dozen times, but then, as I delved far from my usual click pattern, I saw a show listed on the Logo channel featuring “the best in gay, lesbian, and trans gendered music videos”. I wasn’t even aware that this was a music category, so of course, I clicked in. I only caught a half hour of the show, but I enjoyed it far more than any other music television I’ve happened upon in recent memory. My favorite was an artist by the name of Josh Zuckerman and his music video for “Be Real” :
I’d never heard of this guy, but he’s really good and it turns out he’s a Jersey boy. If I had a spare $8.99, I’d download his CD from Amazon.com.
Another show Logo had on that caught my attention was ‘Alien Boot Camp‘ which is an eclectic collection of short films, animation, etc. It’s very bizarre and highly entertaining, if a bit heavy on the propaganda side. I also got a lot of entertainment from some of the commercials. There was one for a “Male Enhancement” product which had me rolling on the floor. One of the spokesmen comes on with the line, “My girlfriend gave me some (of the product) as a gift and now I’m a BIG fan”. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! The mental image I get of a guy opening that particular gift (from his girlfriend, no less!) is just priceless. If he wasn’t suffering from erectile dysfunction and/or performance anxiety before that, he sure would be afterwards. Hehehe, I can see the set up for it too. The girlfriend comes up to the guy, “Hey honey, you know how Miss Manners says that instead of telling someone they have bad breath, you should just offer them some gum? Well, in that spirit, I have something for you…..”
Oh yeah, most fun I’ve had watching television in a looong time
Chopping Block is back and badder than ever.
~~~~
A Greek and an Italian were sitting in a Starbuck’s one day
discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy said, “Well, we have the
Parthenon.”
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replied, “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greek retorted, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
The Italian, nodded agreement, and said, “But we built the Roman
Empire.”
And so on and so on, until the Greek came up with what he thought
would end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he said,
“We Greeks invented sex!”
The Italian replied, “That is true, but it was the Italians who
introduced it to women.”
Striptease! It’s not about exotic dancing, I promise, so give it a click.
~~~~~
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
“What are you so happy about?” asks the barman.
“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies the ugly man. “You know I live by
the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed
a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course,
went and cut her free and took her back to my place.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made
love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top,
sometimes her on top, every position I could get her into!”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed the barman. “You lucky bastard, was she
pretty?”
“Dunno. Never found her head.”
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The old farmer had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with
picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple
and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look
it over. He hadn’t been there for a while. He grabbed a five
gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women
aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you
leave.”
The old man frowned, “I did not come down here to watch you young
ladies swim naked, or to make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding up the bucket, he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
This week’s Funny is dedicated to Circe and her faux marble floors:
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Dressed in Black Comics are not for the fainthearted. Go check ‘em out.
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector
to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the
books he turned to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy a
lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send
them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they
send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his
unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in
his obnoxious way: “What about all these matzo purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs?”
“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector
was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. “We
collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and
every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he
could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi,” he went
on, “what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from
the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we
do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax
Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.”
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Inspiring, isn’t it? Go check out Sinfest and The Devil’s Panties for more funny stuff.
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Check out The Devils Panties. It’s not Satanic porn, I promise.
“Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this. A herd of buffalo can only
move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is
hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that
are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because
the general speed and health of the whole group keeps
improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In
much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as
the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells
first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more
efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after
a few beers.”
- “Cheers” Cliff Clavin explaining the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy Norm.
When it appears that you have killed the monster, never check to
see if it’s really dead.
If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery,
was once a church that was used for black masses, had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some
horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic
practices in your house move away immediately.
Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just
gone out.
If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language
which they should not know, or if they speak to you using a
voice which is other than their own, shoot them immediately.
It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It will
probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off and go it
alone.
As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell
Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a
grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find
out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you
value your life.
If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
Do not take anything from the dead.
If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a
reason. Take the hint and stay away.
Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure
you know what you are doing.
If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down
at least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also
note that, despite the fact that you are running and the
monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough
to catch up with you.
If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic
behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes,
increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as
possible.
Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are
listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog
(you’re in trouble if you recognize this one), the Bermuda
Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby
deserted-looking house to phone for help.
Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines,
lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any
device made from deceased companions.
~~~~
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She
got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued
and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and
there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see
how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could,
and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife
sidled up to him and being a rather seductive woman herself, he
left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new
stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished since he was her
husband and she wanted the goods on him. Finally he whispered a
little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went
to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking
at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume
away and got into bed, ready to hammer him for whatever
explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind
of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I
never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When
I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we
went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell
you, I loaned my costume to your brother and he sure had a real
good time!”
Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something the
majority of men would rather not question. This is in case they
discovered that she has been all along, and that they are not,
in fact, the stud they thought women go wild for. Rather, they
are a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be
patronized.
For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would
still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.
1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it
sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take
away the magazine she’s been looking at. If she says, “Dammit,
I was reading that!” she was faking.
2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound
like a familiar song, she can’t be concentrating enough on the
“job at hand,” and must therefore be faking it. Or else she
really likes the song playing on her iPod.
3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at
random and record her response. If every time you stop she says,
“Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby,” she is faking it. If she
says “Don’t stop!” she isn’t. However, if she says “Don’t stop!”
hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may
have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement. Remember
these guidelines for future reference.
Husband says, “My olympic condoms have arrived tonight so I am going to wear a gold one.”
Wife says, “Why don’t you wear a silver one and come second for a fucking change.”
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Y’know, that’s a little too true for comfort. This bit of wisdom brought to you by Home on The Strange.
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I was going through some old computer files today and come upon this. It was a school project in package design to make a book cover, so I went with the ’self help’ genre and this is what I came up with. If I wrote it, would you buy it?
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I
had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency
room. The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I
blurted out, “Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds.”
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned
over to me. “Sweetheart,” she gently chided, “this is not the
Internet.”
~~~
A man asked his wife what she’d like for her birthday.
“I’d love to be six again,” she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early
and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her
on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear -everything there was!
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head
reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald’s they
went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie–a nice Pipi Longstocking remake,
and hot dogs, popcorn, soda pop and candy. What a fabulous
adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, “Well, dear, what was it
like being six again?”
She half opened one eye. “You idiot, I meant my dress size.”
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Funny comics unabashedly stolen from Home On The Strange. Go check ‘em out!
This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, “If
you have $200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60
to Susan, what would you have?”
Turned out that “an orgy” was not the correct answer.
~~~~~~~
A man and woman were having marital problems so they went to see
a marriage counselor.
The counselor, in an attempt to find some common ground from
which to begin the session said, “Tell me about something the
two of you have in common.”
The husband said, “Well, neither one of us sucks dick.”
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If you like a heaping helping of geekiness with your comedy (like I do), check out Dueling Analogs.
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Check out Treading Ground. It’s hilarious and definitely not politically correct.
ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular
person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but
not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money,
time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom
you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to
like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as
swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom,
and dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual
morals of a man.
PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin
until married.
EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate
to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised
to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in
the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due
to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who
has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally
unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE - a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is
interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”
INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets
him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that
initially attract two people to each other turn into after a
few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to
be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC - a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex
more often than he does.
FRIGID - a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less
often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than
lifting her nightgown.
SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall
in love.
NAG - a man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life
with him than just intercourse.
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Looking For Group is one of the funniest comics out there. Go read it.
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