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So, things have been interesting, but surprisingly drama-free. Tina’s first message was of the “is this really you?” sort.  I considered just not messaging back, but I’ve never found avoidance to be a particularly useful option and, honestly, there were things I wanted to know. We messaged back and forth a couple of times, both of us being cautious but honest. She apologized for the way things ended, telling me it was nothing I had done, just that she had basically panicked once everything became real. I can understand that. We were both in a serious relationship for the first time and reality was crashing head on into  fantasy after two years of being in a long distance relationship. So, she panicked and ran away.

I surely wasn’t blameless either.  I made my own mistakes and I apologized for those. All in all, it was very cathartic and I felt much better about things afterwords. She asked if we could be friends and keep in touch. I, of course, agreed to that. We ended up chatting until 3:30 in the morning, catching up on the past 7 years of our lives and talking about a bunch of little things. It was strange, talking to her again. It felt so comfortable and easy once we got past the initial part.

Don’t worry, this is only going to be friendship. I’m not so foolish as to start anything romantic again. Also, she now had a three year old son and is in a long term relationship with the father, so I’m not looking to screw that up. Finding out about the son really surprised me. Doctors had told her she wouldn’t be able to have children, so it’s definitely for the best that we broke up, else I very well might have violated my commitment not to breed.

Funny how these things work out……


So, y’all remember Tina?

C’mon, sure you do.

Tina…first girl I ever loved…. Ring a  bell? We were in a relationship for close to three years? Two years as long distance and then I moved all the way to Seattle to be with her only to have her break up with me six months later? Without explanation, just disappeared and wouldn’t return calls or e-mail?

Tina…. One of the most pivotal experiences of my life?  Yeah, that Tina.

Well…. Guess who I got a myspace message from today?


I’m still processing. It definitely took me by surprise and stirred up…. more than expected. Stay tuned for further updates.

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**Comics courtesy of Girls With Slingshots. Go check it out!**

As I recently commented over on Lez’s blog, it’s not the holiday itself that annoys me so much as the ads you get bombarded by beforehand. All the commercials assume that since I have a penis, I am totally clueless and unable to fathom the concept of romance. They’re all basically saying “Fake it with a big ol’ diamond, stupid” Or “You know you’ve been a dumbass all year. Make up for it by spending lots of money!”

Meh, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if the only reason you’re making the gesture is because of a date on the calendar, the biggest diamond in the world is just a shiny rock. Personally, I think a single dandelion plucked as you go about your day and given “just because I was thinking of you” means far more.

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So, my mind has been turning on relationships the past couple of days. Go figure, eh? I’ve had a few long distance relationships over the years, probably more than my share. Most fell into the casual ‘just two people having fun’ category, while a couple were more intense, and of course, the one that I moved all the way to Seattle to pursue. While I don’t regret any of them, I definitely would not pursue another. Even in a best case scenario, one of you will have to sacrifice the life you’ve built, say goodbye to family and friends, to be with the other. In most cases, it turns out to be more of a fantasy than a relationship. A few hours on the phone, an e-mail, some time in a chat room just isn’t the same as looking across the table at somebody as you share a meal or holding hands as you sit on a blanket enjoying an outdoor concert. Its like cotton candy (bear with me), tasty in your mouth when you have it, but not leaving you full and satisfied when you’re done. There’s no…. substance to it.

So then, why have I had them? Well, for one, momentary sweetness is better than nothing…. Up to a point. For another, I have two great weaknesses (that I’m willing to admit), wounded doves and unavailable women. Also, as long as I’m being honest and introspective here, I think having that physical distance makes it easier for me to let someone get emotionally close….. Which is yet another thing I’m working on improving. There has to be a compromise between “real, but causal” and “apart, but intimate”.

Yeah, deep thoughts for the middle of the week.

So, for the past few days I’ve found myself thinking about Lilly a lot (Short version for those new to our program: Long distance relationship that lasted about a year with online chatting and talking on the phone on a nearly daily basis. It ended when she broke down and confessed that everything she’d told me about herself and her situation was a lie), idle thoughts mostly, reliving snippets of conversations and wondering how she’s doing. So last night, being a self-flagellation kind of guy, I opened my e-mail archives ( ’cause I save pretty much everything) to re-read the last couple of e-mails we exchanged. Imagine my shock when I looked at the date on the e-mail and realized it was exactly a year to the day that we said goodbye. I swear I didn’t consciously know that until I saw the date, but I guess that explains her popping into my head again, eh?

Sometimes I wish I could pull my brain out of my head and give it one good punch.


Well, I certainly haven’t been very talkative lately, have I? That’s because there hasn’t been much happening and I really haven’t had anything to say. I still don’t, really. It’s been a blah kind of week, nothing to really complain about, but nothing to celebrate either. Heh, and no particularly deep thoughts to share, for that matter. I really need to be able to blog during my cardio workouts. That seems to be the only time my thoughts really flow. Unfortunately, by the time I soak in the jacuzzi, get cleaned up and get home to my computer, my brain is blank.


We got a light dusting of snow today. Just enough to look pretty, but not much else.  Every time I see snow falling, I hear Lilly’s voice in my head asking, “Is it pretty?” That always makes me pause and take a moment just to appreciate the beauty of the moment. I suppose that’s not such a bad thing to take away from such a messed up relationship.


Of course, that path leads to maudlin thoughts and I don’t particularly feel like walking it.

There’s been a severe lack of posting around here lately, hasn’t there? I just haven’t been in a writing mood lately, but I’ll try to be better.

So, on Saturday, I helped my friends Ken and Linda move furniture into Linda’s new apartment. Ken and Linda have been together for 27 years and married for 15. They first met when they were 13…. and as of Monday, they’re officially separated. You might ask why. What happened after 27 years to drive them apart? There are several answers, but it all boils down to…. the big 4 0. I don’t know what it is about turning forty, but I’ve seen a bunch of people just explode when they hit it. I truly don’t understand, but then, I’m not married. I don’t have kids. I haven’t been in the same situation/ relationship for more than a two years, much less a couple of decades. Ken and Linda were buying stuff for their first house back in high school.

So, what happened? They drifted apart, started taking each other for granted, and stopped communicating. Linda told me she felt increasingly isolated, that Ken didn’t take an interest in things that she liked and that even when they did things together, they each went their own way. There were other things as well, details told to me in confidence that I don’t need to go into here, but really, it was that lack of communication that let things get to the crisis point….. That and both of them turning forty this year.

The good news is that they’re talking now. They haven’t given up on the relationship and are going to both individual and couples counseling. Linda’s going to be living on her own to ‘figure out who she is as a person’ as opposed to being part of a couple. Ken’s staying in the house with the kids. He’s also decided to go the cliché route…. as in he’s buying a motorcycle and getting a couple of tattoos. if that’s the extent of his acting out, it’s all good. Hopefully, in a year when Linda’s lease is up, they can get back together, both stronger and wiser, knowing the true value of their relationship.

I’m going to focus on the hopeful conclusion. There is, of course, a much darker alternative as well as different grays in between.

So, say you’re doing something that’s a bad idea. If you know it’s a mistake from the start and you accept the fact that you’re probably going to regret doing it, but even with that knowledge, you go ahead and do it anyway…… Does that make you more or less of an idiot?

As some people reading this will recall, back in December I ended a year long, long distance relationship and swore I would never start another one. Well, on Sunday night, I was bored and (breaking another promise I’d made myself) I went into a chat room to relieve my boredom. I was honestly only looking for some light conversation. Anyway, a young lady from Indiana Private Messaged me and we ended up chatting until three in the morning. Which, for those who like the math, means we chatted for over five hours…. And last night we talked again for almost three hours, until one in the morning. Worse yet, after the chat was over, when I was in bed waiting to fall asleep, I was laying there remembering bits of the conversation and smiling to myself. That is so not a good sign. I feel the tugging of twitterpation and the rational part of my brain is screaming at me to run and not look back.

Yet, at the same time, it’s nice to have something that feels good, even if I know nothing would ever actually come of it. Also, this girl isn’t looking for someone to ‘save’ her, like Lilly was. Heh, so basically, the bad decision has already been made and now I’m just trying to rationalize it. What happens will happen and I’ll just try to enjoy the ride (figuratively, of course).